There is this stigma around the condition of being an addict and that is the last thing I wanted to label myself as coming into the 12-step rooms. However, what I have learned and determined is that we can never change the stigma of an active addict, but I can change the self-image I put on myself by declaring that I am an addict. It puts a name to the face of the trauma and pain. At least that is what it does for me. I learned to become vulnerable and to be transparent with my addiction. Admission to being an addict keeps me honest in the fact that I cannot use alcohol or drugs successfully. That one drug one drink leads to more and I cannot stop on my own will.
Labeling myself early on felt damaging to my self-centered pride and self-respect. I learned in those early meetings that self-centeredness is the core of my disease, and I had no self-respect or dignity but was innately selfish in my thinking, attitudes, ideas, and behaviors. I also noticed at these meetings when members introduced themselves, they said their name and stated they were an addict after their name.
Many of these people had multiple years of recovery and still admitted they were addicts. “Do we ever lose the title?” These people had a fresh sense of life about them and many did not seem to feel the dread, remorse, or despair that I did. They seemed to be able to share openly their experience, strength, and hope. While they shared, I shuddered at the things in my head looking for ways and a path to take to where I did not have to reconcile with the way I felt or thought about myself and my doings both during active addiction and sitting there clean. All I knew is how uncomfortable I felt, sitting in the rooms with a cold heart, a numb ass, and in my thoughts of rationalization, justification, denial, remorse, and bargaining. I had no idea what to do. How do I get what these people have?
Do I have to join and become a member? “The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using.” Once I become a member do I get to add my new title? Well, I made the decision that I was done, and I had already stopped so I chose to become an addict in recovery. By stating that I was an addict I found a new freedom. I belonged to something more than chasing down the means and ways to get more. I found a new sense of freedom and a sponsor to walk me through the 12-step destine to find a new way to live. I found a basic text that explains to me exactly who I am. It explained exactly what I could do to stay clean and that in no shape or form, I could not do it alone.
By admitting that I am an addict I found… A group of people who are also addicts. They are recovering and seem to live and enjoy life without the use of drugs. I found a sense of unity. I learned the importance of service to others, to God, to society, and to self. All built on a foundation of goodwill and that doing the next right thing will jump-start my recovery to freedom from active addiction.
My Name is C.J. and I am a grateful recovering addict with over 6 years clean from all mind-altering substances. I have found a solution to all my problems today that started with the admission of being an addict. Most of all I have found a change in how I feel and think about myself in society, and that I have found a change in my attitudes and ideas. I am a recovering addict.
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